The truth is I am not God. Yep, contrary to my deepest desires I cannot be the arbitrator of all that is considered truth. Nor can I accurately discern lies from truth with complete accuracy. My judgement is impaired because I cannot see every angle or know all the facts needed to make perfect choices
In fact, even if I can be intellectually cognisant of the facts my decision making faculties are also defective. Decisions are not made on the basis of knowledge alone. Emotions, desires, fears and thoughts are part of many considerations that determine decisions. And all of these elements are not pure in form in a human being. Our defects are pervasive to all aspects of who we are.
Therefore, all truth that I consider must be held with an open hand. I cannot consider what I believe to be true to be the final word in what is truth. Truth cannot be determined by what I alone know.
Since I cannot be an accurate purveyor of truth, I need to rely on external help to determine truth. I am dependent on a separate source or sources to determine truth.
My fallibility feels very uncomfortable. I very much want to be the master of my universe. I want to be independent and self-sufficient. Depending on others to make my world more the way I want it to be will always leave me disappointed. And I hate being disappointed and worse, loathe being disappointing.
Why can’t I be God? If I was I could make my world much more to my liking.
This desire to be God is the most selfish desire that I have. I want to be God so that I can always feel good and never feel bad.
Recognising my desire to be God and my subsequent fallibility are essential if I am going to be able to understand truth. I fight both these things because in confronting them I feel out of control. And I like being in control; I am less likely to get hurt.
Where is your struggle to be God taking you?